September 12, 2008

Noche de sátira a las noches de poesía en “Biento: Un nuevo espacio”.

Por: Manuel Clavell Carrasquillo en extranjería

Biento 1

Nota de la Redacción de Estruendomudo: Reproducimos a continuación los poemas que recitó Guanina en Biento ayer, noche de poesía en el nuevo local bar-restaurante de Mikephilippe Oliveros, en la avenida Piñero de San Juan, para tripearse las noches de poesía tan reverenciadas y tan nuestras como los cultos de alabanza, adoración y avivamiento de las iglesias. La audiencia se desternillaba de la risa al ver y escuchar una reproducción fiel y exacta -personificadas por los actores Luciene Hernández y Roy Sánchez-Vahamonde, de las ridiculeces del performance poético caduco, fatulo, sonsonetero y bobolón que se presenta en las barras de la ínsula desde principios del siglo XIX. A falta de cámara de vídeo, aquí les dejamos dos de los textos para que se imaginen el performance y evalúen su esencia urbana, costumbrista, ingeniosa, cursi, nítida -pana, mejor que muchos de los textos de los que se ponen a leer con el rictus de lo “en serio”… para que sientan en las pupilas gustativas el cantazo de lo que hacemos cuando subimos a la tribuna del Nuyorrican Café -esquina Montmartre; detrás del micrófono.

biento 2

I. Biento…

Biento.
Con “b” de bellaquera afterhour (por aquello de ser creativo, y atraer gente)
pa’ que vengan y…
se vengan con el arroz con amarillitos adentro (por aquello de ser creativos y
atraer gente)
Biento.
Con “b” de bicicleta de tecato,
de esas que están destartaladas, pero que a ellos les sirven, de lo más bien,
pa’ pasearse de arriba pa’ abajo, y de abajo pa’ arriba en La Piñero,
y bajártela, bien cabrón cuando llegas a tu carro,
después de salir de
Biento.
A las dos de la mañana, con bellaquera afterhour, y jartera de arroz con
amarillitos adentro,
mezclao con Guayabitas, a dos pesos, que te zumbaste
(por aquello de ser creativo y atraer jebos y/o jebasssss)
aunque cuando llegues a tu casa te tengas que zumbar par de Alka Zeltzers,
como dicen los que trabajan en Univisión,
esos que tienen el acento neutro.
Biento, un nuevo espacio.
Pa’ que los artistas wannabies llenen su ego con Coronitas de a peso,
y con cuatro gatos que los atiendan.
Biento, un nuevo espacio.
Pa’ hacer la misma mierda que haz hecho en El Estudiante,
y en El Pío Pío,
y en el Shannan’s viejo, y en el Shannan’s nuevo, y en el Shannan’s que ahora
es Loggan’s,
¡Coño, qué mucho Irish pub hay en Puerto Rico!
y en El Cojo, cuando se podía beber afuera,
y en el Bori,
pero con la esperanza de que es un nuevo espacio
donde no hay peste a tecato,
que se joda, aunque no haya parking
que se joda, aunque te rompan los cuatro cristales del carro pa’ robarte el I
Pod, quién te manda a dejarlo en el carro,
que se joda, que se joda,
como cantaba la banda aquella bien mierda que to’ el mundo repetía como el
papagallo.
Biento.
Como cuando eras chiquito, y te decían “di To’ bien muchas veces”
To bien to bien to bien…
Eso mismo repítelo muchas veces pa’ que veas cómo funciona.
Eso dice la gente que se jukea con The Secret.
Como si la gente que está jodía repitiera en su mente muchas veces
to mal to mal to mal.
Anda pal carajo, me jodí, me calló la macacoa…
Llévatela.
Biento, un nuevo espacio.

biento 2 1

II. Text

Son las diez de la noche, y me mandas un text que dice
son las diez de la noche, tres puntitos.
Tres puntitos.
¿Por qué no te atreves a ponerle exclamation marks, ah?
¿Por qué no te atreves?
¿Porque los exclamation marks son para los patos? ¿Ah?
Querida mujer dos puntos, no me hagas sufrir coma,
eso dice Juan Luis Guerra en sus cartas de amor,
mientras yo me tengo que conformar con tus texts charros y “lame”,
que dicen son las diez de la noche, tres puntitos.
Son las diez de la noche, tres puntitos,
Y, en cuanto termino de leer tu text charro y “lame”,
empiezo a salivar como los perros de Pavlov
condicionada,
como el aire acondicionado que no puedo prender,
aunque quisiera prender a to’ jendel las 24 horas del día,
porque la luz está muy cara,
porque la calle está dura,
porque la piña está agria,
porque los chavos no nacen de una mata de plátano,
y se nos pusieron los huevos a peseta hace rato.
Y yo con este calor,
y ese aire sin poderse prender,
y yo con un abanico de pedestal, que está pidiendo cacao hace meses,
lo miro y pienso que hay que quitarle el polvo,
y mientras miro los chunks de polvo que tienen las aspas del abanico,
pienso en el polvo, pienso en el polvo, pienso en el polvo,
y empiezo a salivar de nuevo condicionada,
comisionada,
por comisión,
como la comisión estatal de elecciones
con sus políticos charros y “lame”
como tus texts,
como las comisiones que me gano en mi trabajo charro y “lame”
como tus texts,
y cuando miro el reloj ya son las diez y un minuto…
y vuelvo a enfocarme en el abanico
y me fijo que es marca Sanyo
y me acuerdo de un anuncio bien viejo, con dos muñequitos que decían
“yo soy San” “y yo soy Yo” “juntos somos Sanyo”
y pienso que ese anuncio era tan charro y “lame”
como tus texts,
y ahí empiezo de nuevo a salivar
como si me hubiera comido un salchichón de los que amarran lengua…
clac clac clac clac clac clac…
ése es el sonido del abanico cuando se queda pegao’
y tengo que darle un cantazo pa que reaccione,
y pienso en todas las veces que he querido darte un cantazo pa’ que
reacciones…
y entonces prendo la tele
y están pasando un anuncio de salsa bar bq
y le están pasando una brocha de bar bq, llena de bar bq sauce gringa a un
pincho boricua
y esa brocha me acuerda tu lengua,
y ahí esta el sonidito chillón que hace mi teléfono cuando tengo un text,
y de sólo escuchar el sonidito se me paran los pezones, como si fueran las
piezas de un Battleship,
y leo el text
y dice:
son las diez y cinco “k” es la “k”,
que significa
¿Qué es la que?
porque en los text todo se abrevia…

2 Responses to ' Noche de sátira a las noches de poesía en “Biento: Un nuevo espacio”. '

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  1. on September 14th, 2008 at 1:40 pm

    ideed, estos openmicoemas son mas mejores que los mejores de los mejores poetas de open mike que se hayan oido ultimada mente.

    tkbrn d b ras.

  2. Carlos Vázquez Cruz said,
    on September 18th, 2008 at 4:35 pm

    Pubi-cables. Eso es lo que uno siente que se está comiendo cuando los escucha bajo el influjo hipnótico del lameculismo boricua. Para que vean, yo también pienso en polvo…

    ¡Me fascinó el segundo! (Por favor, adviertan que escribí “exclamation marks”.)

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