August 29, 2008

“La novia de Platero”: Otro cuento extraterreno de Pepe Liboy

Por: Manuel Clavell Carrasquillo en extranjería

huevo

Escribe José Liboy Erba

Mi aprendiz quería saber por qué a veces golpean a los aprendices en las calles, y yo no sabía cómo explicárselo enseguida, sino que tenía que conseguirle a otro maestro que la acompañara en lo que resolvía el espinoso problema que nos provocaba la agente Cinta Marín, quien supuestamente era maestra igual que nosotros, aunque mostraba un vivo interés por una especie de organismo con un nombre enganchado, sin antecedentes profesionales o sociales, seguramente de otra especie que la humana, pues aunque apuesto no hacía nada y por ser de otro lado, comisionaba millones en la compañía que lo tenía contratado para vender calendarios.

Cinta Marín sabía que el Departamento de Educación no veía con buenos ojos su interés por el extraterrestre, ya que no lo quería educar. Prefería tenerlo bien mimado en el trabajo, aunque en realidad lo tenía pillado, ya que a otro vendedor de la compañía le había comprado mucho dinero en calendarios, y no quería pagarlos alegando una inconsistencia en las fiestas religiosas que anunciaban. No sólo pillaba al extraterrestre por el lado político, ya que era él quien estaba llamado a resolver el problema, y ya estaba mal visto por las religiosas que lo podían educar. Cinta lo presentaba en la sociedad del pueblo donde se regalaban los calendarios como un antropólogo irresponsable, que no se ocupaba por conocer las verdaderas fiestas.

Mi aprendiz iba a salir con el extraterrestre, para ver si lo criaba, pero Cinta estaba enterada y había llamado por teléfono a una amiga suya para que me reclamaran dinero por un atraso en la entrega de unos bolígrafos. La muchacha estaba dispuesta a dejarse ver conmigo en los puestos de comida, para que el extraterrestre la invitara a salir porque era segura y amiga, pero temíamos una medida drástica de Cinta con el vendedor de los calendarios. De manera que le tuve que decir a mi aprendiz que no saliera conmigo, que se quedara con el otro maestro en lo que resolvíamos el problema con Cinta Marín.

No es fácil resolver el problema de Cinta Marín. Un etnólogo te podrá decir que su inquietud religiosa se debe a su incapacidad reproductiva, y que con darle un bebé aunque sea del elefante bastaría para calmar su reciente celo por las fiestas. Yo podría decirle a mi aprendiz que le donara un organismo obtenido con el extraterrestre, pero me siento irresponsable si entrego a una joven como yo, que a los veinte años tiene un horario de dos horas diarias y un sábado en la librería local. No quiero entregarla porque eso mismo es lo que me pasó a mí cuando joven, que tuve que mezclarme con una extraterrestre para donarle un organismo a otra celosa.

Cuando yo estudiaba en la Universidad, el maestro de Cinta me dijo que mi amiga era novia de Platero, el burro de Juan Ramón Jiménez, quizá con la idea de desalentarme un poco y no tener que comprometerme. Pero yo en vez dejé de estudiar y me puse a trabajar dos horas diarias y un sábado, pues al parecer quería a mi amiga y no quería dejarla guindando. No sabía si era este el caso de mi aprendiz, que aunque era como yo es mujer y no tenía perspectiva alguna con Cinta. No era lo mismo casarse con un extraterrestre para donar un hijo, que hacer lo que hice yo, casarme con una extraterrestre para cumplirle a mi amiga. Puede ser que por eso no la alentara a hacer lo mismo, y pensaba que el maestro de Cinta pensó lo mismo que yo, cuando me vio confundido porque mi extraterrestre fue al doctor.

Así que llamé a Cinta por teléfono y le dije que mi aprendiz quizá no podría ayudarla a cumplir con sus votos. Ella no me creía, así que retuvo los miles en calendarios que le retenía al vendedor hasta que por estas presiones cediera mi aprendiz, que me estaba viendo leer libros para ser escritor de nuevo. Lo más que tratábamos de evitar no era que naciera un bebé extraterrestre, sino tener que terminar nuestras vidas con una carrera literaria. Nos parecía que ser escritor es lo peor. Lo decía un argentino en un libro nuevo que estaba leyendo, y al parecer todo lo hacíamos para no tener que terminar escribiendo novelas.

En una nueva movida, Cinta no solo dejó de pagar los calendarios alegando la inconsistencia en las fiestas religiosas. También averiguamos que los repartió en el pueblo vecino, donde las fiestas del que habíamos impreso funcionaban perfectamente. De modo que se estaba haciendo promoción a costa nuestra, sin pagar, lo que preocupaba a los ejecutivos de la corporación, que sabían que Cinta era una mujer esencialmente buena que tenía necesidades perfectamente comprensibles. Lo único que le reprochaban era que le gustara el extraterrestre para procrear. Habrían querido que fuera yo, pero aunque buena, Cinta nunca me amó y eso tenían que tenerlo en cuenta los corporativos. Poco antes de que me reuniera de nuevo con mi aprendiz, supe que mi nueva cliente tampoco me quería pagar a mí. Se estaba brevando una especie de protesta solidaria por Cinta, creyendo que era yo quien me oponía a que acabara viviendo con el joven extraterrestre. Yo sencillamente me reuní con mi aprendiz y su nuevo maestro, que iba a seguir enseñándole cuando yo estuviera ausente, ya que sin remedio iba a estar diez años trabajando en ventas para pagar la deuda impaga. Mi aprendiz se conmovió un poco al saber que acaso no me viera más. Le dí la mano.

-Pronto te mando unos cuentos- me dijo.
-Está bien- le dije. –Los espero.

One Response to ' “La novia de Platero”: Otro cuento extraterreno de Pepe Liboy '

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  1. Rick Terror said,
    on August 30th, 2008 at 8:05 am

    Hola! revisando viejos archivos en mi disco duro, encontré textos de este divertido y excelente blog. Procedo a linkearte pues creo que mereces muchísimos lectores. Me agrada como puedes jugar con el lenguaje y las ideas con tanta soltura.
    Felicitaciones y saludos cordiales desde Chile.

    Rick Terror

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