August 20, 2006

Gaika arrestada y tortutada en una comandancia municipal

Por: Manuel Clavell Carrasquillo en gaika: perra salvaje

Escribe Manuel Clavell Carrasquillo

dog collar rhinestonesMe llevé a Gaika para la playa y pasó lo que pasó. Hubo pelea. No pudo soportar la mirada fija de los caballos de la policía montada sobre su collar de rhinstones. Desde que hubo la tregua en España entre la banda armada independentista ETA y el Gobierno de Zapatero, la muy terrible insiste en salir de casa con el collar de rhinstones. Dice que no les cree a los etarras y que no les cree a Zapatero. Le digo: “Gaika, mi vida, ten fe en los procesos de reconciliación democrática”, y ella me contesta que no, que no puede ser que yo (que soy su amo fiel) sea tan imbécil. Le aclaro que se ponga en su sitio canino inmediatamente y que yo soy el líder de la manada, por lo que me debe no solamente la vida, sino adjunto más que respeto y consideración.

En resumen, Gaika se molestó porque los caballos estaban haciendo funciones de niñeras en oras laborables que se supone estén consagradas única y exclusivamente a tareas policiacas. Explico. Lo que sucede es que dos agentes del orden público, los dos vigilantes de la playa, ponían a disposición de los hijos de las madres solteras sus equinos, también agentes del orden público si se considera su identidad integrada: policía y caballo, en estos casos, son uno.

A la perra salvaje esto le cayó mal y ladraba, ladraba desenfrenadamente porque eso no se podía permitir, que esos indios vestidos en uniforme azul estaban allí para su beneficio y no el de ellas, que qué pasaría si ella se ahogaba y dale que es tarde con la cantaleta y la pendejá. Traté, como siempre me ocurre cuando la chica se me alborota, de mediar entre los animales. No resultó. Gaika ladraba sin intenciones de dejar de ladrar y las mujeres abrían más bolsas de Doritos y Cheetos y papitas Lays y no les ofrecían ni a sus hijos ni a los hombres que las cortejaban sin encomendarse a nadie más. Comían Doritos, Cheetos, papitas Lays y, mientras comían, Gaika se malhumoraba como si comieran ketchup con caviar. Mi argumento tranquilizante era el siguiente: “Gaika de mi corazón espinado, por favor, estamos llegando aquí, trata de relajarte, disfruta de esta playa hermosa, entrégate sin vainas ni cuestiones a nuestra herencia tropical”. A la muy engreída no le importaba, seguía ladrando y landrando, porque ella no había salido de su palacete de Miramar para ver semejante espectáculo tercermundista, sobre todo en estos días de paranoia por la exposición periodística de la condición de las playas y los vertederos; en fin, por la maldita cosa que tienen los ciudadanos contra la contaminación ambiental. Ella comía, dormía y respiraba en cuna de oro y cristal, le había dado muchísimo trabajo asimilar su transformación en exiliada que olvida el vascuense a conveniencia de la nueva situación y no estaba para boricuadas dominicales a la una de la tarde. Eso sí que no.

Me puse a rebuscar los bultos para llamarle la atención sobre la comida, desenfundé los rollitos de repollo rellenos de cordero, descorché el primer vinito rosé de Portugal, probé las aceitunitas frías rellenas de anchoas y todavía Gaika seguía denunciando la desfachatez de los empleados del Estado en plena bellaquera descomunal. No sé por qué, al pensarlo dos veces, ella los perdonó, y se enfocó en los caballos. Me decía que esos animales estaban sin bañar, cogiendo sol a pesar de las garrapatas, pero que eso no era excusa válida para consentir a sus carceleros. Me dijo: “¿Tú no entiendes lo que significa tener garrapatas recorriéndote la piel debajo de los mechones? Pues nosotros sí, coño, nosostros sabemos lo que significa que los insectos no paren de chupar”. Cambié la vista, me concentré en la brisa del mar y en cómo interactuaba con los poros de mi cara, quise ignorarla a ella también. La estrategia resultó, sí, definitivamente, Gaika necesitaba mi atención, pero no desembocó en aquello que yo esperaba. La rabieta nunca llegó.

“Perra maldita, jódete ahora, brega con esa metamorfosis criolla de la ley”, pensé. Al terminar ese pensamiento fue que divisé a dos bañistas compañeros, unos cincuentones blancos tirando a transparentes que se han querido toda la vida. La querencia los precedía y los gestos me confirmaron la suposición. El de la derecha tenía aspecto de monje ortodoxo griego, pero en bikini. El segundo era lampiño, vestía trusa larga y algo me indicaba que era un tipo jovial. Me fijé en la tranquilidad de las aguas, interrumpida sólo por el paso ocasional de los jet ski. Busqué el sabor del vino rosé con mis labios, fui como la pareja y a la perra, la olvidé.

Mucho después de la salida del trance me llamaron al celular que había grabado en la plaquita de Gaika para que pagara la fianza. Había sido arrestada y transportada a la comisaría municipal. Actué como autómata. Llegué en piloto automático hasta el cuartel. Mientras los detectives me amenazaban con aplicarme en demanda privada el artículo 1803 del Código Civil de 1930, según enmendado, que se refiere a la responsabilidad vicaria que nos aplica a los dueños de cualquier animal, pedí permiso para pasar al baño. Me masturbé lentamente pensando en el sargento que la agredió. Abroché los pantalones sin terminar de limpiar. Ella estaba acostumbrada a las golpizas y, según me había contado entre lágrimas una tarde de abril, también a los electroshocks. Al terminar mi ejercicio perverso salí a pagar la deuda y, justo cuando nos dirigíamos al automóvil para escapar de aquél edificio enfermo, ella en silencio sepulcral, con la cola adolorida por una laceración, se dio cuenta de que los dos caballos belcebúes pastaban por allí.

“Cabrones, ya verán como me las van a pagar”. Eso les dijo la vasca puertorriqueñizada que vive conmigo. Eso les dijo con los colmillos afuera y exhibiendo los rhinestones a los dos caballos más tristes que hemos visto yo homo y esa perra condená.

-Estruendomudo equus est.

5 Responses to ' Gaika arrestada y tortutada en una comandancia municipal '

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  1. on August 20th, 2006 at 10:02 pm

    Rajaooo con to y rhinestones. me gustó lo de laq metamorfosis criolla de la ley. jajajaja

  2. on August 22nd, 2006 at 5:31 am

    Te la van a matar. Cuídala del medio-ambiente.

  3. on August 23rd, 2006 at 4:57 pm

    Yo creo que sí, que funcionó la resurrección.
    Llistro.

  4. gloria carrasquillo said,
    on September 14th, 2006 at 1:43 am

    La mujeres comiendo Doritos y Cheetos, no puede ser, eso es pura fantasia y mas si no le ofrecian a sus pobres hijitos. Los policias en equinos es una imagen macondiana, de la mejor. Todos creen en el poder del realismo magico.

  5. on November 17th, 2006 at 6:41 pm

    Verdaderamente tu escritura es un éxtasis!!!!!!!!

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