January 12, 2006

Gaika de fan, en la plaza de las estrellas

Por: Manuel Clavell Carrasquillo en gaika: perra salvaje


Por Manuel Clavell Carrasquillo

La perra se maravillaba al observar la solidaridad de los habitantes de la ciudad vieja.

A la derecha de la mansión del banquero Richard Carrión, en los bajos de la sandwichera El Mesón y Algo Más que hace la esquina de la calle San José y la San Francisco, Stella Nolasco le confeccionaba un traje verdecito menta en una seda semitransparente a la novia eterna de Robi Rosa.

 

De repente, la modista se pinchó el dedo pulgar de la mano izquierda, enhebrando la aguja por quinta vez, y una gotita de su sangre de diseñadora fina fue a parar a la boca de la novelista Mayra Santos, su ayudanta, que la recogió entre sus labios con gesto erótico de negra sandunguera, saboreó la densidad agridulce del líquido y la escupió arrebatada.

 

Gaika ladró con gemidos cortos al ver a través de la vitrina cómo la saliva enrojecida sacré de las jóvenes emprendedoras contagió con un sida (de nueva cepa engañosa contraído en el Garnment District) a la perra de Sila Calderón, que por allí paseaba un gardaespaldas. La poodle, de carácter fuerte como su dueña ex gobernadora, arrepechó con todo y risitos negros para el edificio militar del Departamento de Estado. Primero convulsó en el piso de mármol de la dependencia de las proclamas oficiales sobre inútiles relaciones diplomáticas con el CARICOM y luego regresó a la normalidad, ataviada de blanco. El sida no era tal. Era la enfermedad de los encajes. La de Sila le contestó a mi amada con ladridos cariñosos y, en ese proceso vocal entre jutías postmodernas, le advirtió sobre las caries de Cantero Frau.

 

Entonces apareció el dentista de Ricky Martin, que tomaba un café negro en el espacio reducido de la Fuente de las Tres Estaciones de la Plaza de Armas del Viejo San Juan. De lejos, desde la puerta de la Farmacia Puerto Rico, Gaika notó, asustadísima, que el médico reflexionaba sobre la posibilidad de que los “golden showers” que le suministraba su atlético novio le afectaran al astro boricua la cavidad bucal. Gaika, mamita, pero cómo vas a pensar eso… bobolona, Ricky lo que quiere es que le orinen encima, no que le meen la boca. Eso se me ocurrió decirle para engañarla.

 

No funcionó, los orines de la tecata de turno, la que vela la entrada de la Alcaldía de la municipalidad, le mojaron las patitas y Gaika se me descontroló. ¿Tú viste, tú viste? Virgen santísima, en esta ciudad ya no se puede ni salir a caminar. Esas fueron como palabras mágicas. De inmediato vinieron al rescate los profesores Eduardo Lalo y Mara Negrón con el mapa de París bajo el brazo. Gaika se los arrebató y, sacando fuerzas de no sé donde, se lo llevó a la tecata entre los colmillos para humillarla. Mira, so inculta, para que lo sepas y no pases más pasmes, en las escaleras de la Academie Francaise no se puede mear. Eso le dijo a la pobre infeliz la engreída esa, tortura de mis caminatas de despeje mental.

 

Gracias a Dios que en ese momento todo se fue aclarando debido a la presencia agitada de dos turistas alemanes treintones cuyo crucero hizo escala hace unos días en el muelle catorce. Iban derechito para el sauna turco del gimnasio de Steamworks y Gaika les preguntó que por qué tanta prisa para hacer ejercicios. Mere, frankfura sin sourkraut, esta isla es pa vacacional. Con esa advertencia intentó que cambiaran rumbo perdido para que se enderezaran y se enteraran de que hay una santa muerta a la que le crece el pelo unos milímetros todos los días en una urna funeraria de la Catedral. No se le dio el desengaño a mi querida perrita beata. No se le dio.

 

Glenn Monroig lo escuchó todo desde los teléfonos públicos de la plaza a pesar de revoloteo incesante de las ratas voladoras llamadas por los nativos palomas y Gaika suspiró cuando se dio por enterada de su presencia angelical; a pesar de la barba hirsuta y el apellido cortavenas. No todos los días uno se encuentra con Glenn Monroig. Hasta allá fue a tener la perra mía, mi queridísima Gaika de la Caridad, y no me quedó más remedio que poner cara de yo no fui frente al primer damo de la canción romántica pop. Glenn de mi vida, le dijo, belleza, olvídate de esa llamada perdida y fírmame aquí. El baladista "destronado" por Daddy Yankee siguió de largo. Sólo atendía los ladridos que escuchaba en sus pesadillas recurrentes con Camille Carrión.

 

En la foto, traje en encaje francés de Stella Nolasco. En el texto, sólo ficción con figuras públicas; ficción pura.

2 Responses to ' Gaika de fan, en la plaza de las estrellas '

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  1. Angelantonio said,
    on January 13th, 2006 at 2:22 am

    Genial, me ha gustado mucho, hace esquina con el cuento que me reseñaste, de hecho gracias! Me agrada la histeria, la pobre Gaika, beatificada, quien morirá de espanto si llega, algún día, al paseo de diego. Habrá que ver.
    De Platero y yo a Gaika y yo.

  2. on January 18th, 2006 at 10:44 am

    Me encanta Glen Monroig. Me encanta tu genialidad!!!!!!

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