January 10, 2006

Gaika en misión etnicida con énfasis en prender y apagar las luces de hanukkah y frustrar un viaje de hajj

Por: Manuel Clavell Carrasquillo en gaika: perra salvaje

Por Manuel Clavell Carrasquillo

Gaika se tiró un ladrido inesperado cuando pasó frente al maricón tecato que pide pesos frente a Walgreens. Querida, no seas maleducada, le espeté desde arriba para que entendiera mi posición al respecto. Me explicó que el tipo la tiene cansada con las peticiones recurrentes de un pesito, por fa, un pesito. Le indiqué que debe tener paciencia con los menos afortunados, traté de exponerle con calma las posibles razones del desamparo, pero me ignoró como perra faldera acomodada.

No entraba en razones y no pidió perdón hasta que se encontró de frente con la nueva extensión del Centro Comunitario Judío de Miramar. Calló de rodillas ante el monumento yiddish y prometió que durante un mes sólo comería hot dogs kosher. De un ladrido me comentó la enorme desproporción entre el imperio semita que se construye frente a la laguna del Condado y las malascrianzas del marica enganchado de por vida a la manteca.

En el ínterin, pasa que un chancletero malo y un zefardita se encuentran en la avenida Ponce de León, a la altura de la Parada 15. Ambos entran cogidos de las manos a comprar Lestoil limpia pisos y lavamanos en Todo a Peso. La dependienta se asusta y reparte los numeritos de los turnos. Llama primero al musulmán que recuesta la barba contra la góndola de las velas de olor y los otros dos personajes del triángulo comienzan las protestas. ¿De dónde salió ese moro?

De inmediato, la dependienta pone orden demandando a gritos que le indiquen cuál de todos los caballeros allí presentes está circuncidado. El zefardita esconde la bemba y da tres saltos. La loquita yonqui agarra un pote de King Pine limpia pisos y lavamanos y se lo derrama encima al musulmán, que en esos momentos se inclinaba para saludar a los peregrinos del hajj que le dan siete vueltas a la piedra negra de la Mecca. Límpiate, cabrón, que apestas a té de chai con exceso de clavo. Esa frasezota hiriente le dijo.

Gaika se huelió los incidentes etnicidas antes reseñados e interrumpió la disertación sobre los futuros usos del gran anfiteatro kabalístico, los hot dogs y la conveniencia de prender siete velas en acto sustitutivo de los lechones que se sacrifican en las cristmas. Y allá, al meollo de la trifulca, fue a parar con su rabo erecto, en posición de radar oculto de la KGB en plena función transmisora de chismes políticos.

Yo se lo advertí como pude, llamándola suavecito para no contradecirla en su arrebato místico: Gaika, ven inmediatamente para acá y no te metas en lo que no te importa.

Mi reclamo fue inútil.

A lo lejos escuché la sirena de la ambulancia y el corre y corre de los paramédicos.

Resulta que las autoridades hospitalizaban de la rabia a un profeta de Alá encadenado a la punta del pene de un hijo de Yaveh que nunca pudo recuperarse de las mordidas de una loca pesetera y un amasijo de pelos Chow-Chow que le brincaron encima a dentelladas.

Luego de la transubstanciación de canina chic a superhéroe desquiciada, Gaika regresó a mis brazos como si nada. A los demás los tienen hace par de noches con suero y a base de sopitas ralas en el Centro de Diágnostico y Tratamiento del Municipio de San Juan, sito estratégicamente al final de la Calle Hoare.

9 Responses to ' Gaika en misión etnicida con énfasis en prender y apagar las luces de hanukkah y frustrar un viaje de hajj '

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  1. Anonymous said,
    on January 11th, 2006 at 6:07 pm

    Manu! Ciao! Espero que pronto puedas ver el nuevo blog de par de escritores de nuestra isla que van a ir en estreno. Espero que te sobre tiempo para visitarlos cuando salga el blog, son unos que pronto publicará Terranova y que todo el mundo tripeará al leerlos…digo al mindo que le gusta la buena literatura claro…

    Mira, y cuando nos podemos dar una birra???

  2. Anonymous said,
    on January 11th, 2006 at 6:42 pm

    Clavelucho atiende a tus clientes! estamos esperando tu presencia activa en el blog, un blog sin su creador se torna aburrido…contestale a tu fanaticada che!

  3. Anonymous said,
    on January 11th, 2006 at 7:00 pm

    usté es el cangri de averdad. tiene otra cosa dese perro´er diablo que he leído porái. no é verdá?

  4. on January 11th, 2006 at 7:12 pm

    Este Juan Bautista que está anunciando blogs por aquí, dizque que viene el lobo, que viene el lobo, pues que muestre las cartas. A mí los lobeznos me dan pena con esa vaina de las cacerías polares que hay por sus pieles. Y Greenpeace, dito, esa gente no puede contra tanto japonés en busca de calorcito furesco. Echa pa ca pai, tira duro, ¿whos afraid of blogger indigestion? Olvídate de los lobitos, ojalá que lo que haya por ahí en incubadoras sean pichones de tigres. De hecho, ya lo dice la tecnodiva: “A mí lo que me gusta es que me coma el tigre, que me coma ya… el tigre”.

  5. Anonymous said,
    on January 11th, 2006 at 7:58 pm

    Ay manuel ponle vida a este blog…buscate

  6. Anonymous said,
    on January 11th, 2006 at 8:04 pm

    Pero Manuel Clavellnque pesao y mala sangre…que hay de la birra? si te digo lo del blog es que pienso que puedes disfrutarlo. Baja la defensa compay que estas un tanto histerico.

  7. Anonymous said,
    on January 11th, 2006 at 8:10 pm

    Quien es la tecnodiva???

  8. Anonymous said,
    on January 11th, 2006 at 9:37 pm

    Manuel no sabes si Bruno Soreno tiene un blog? O todavía sigue en Alcoholicos Anonimos?

  9. ameto said,
    on January 12th, 2006 at 12:04 pm

    Deberían limitar a los anónimos, especialmente a los publicistas. “Acho loco lo que viene es melaza, acho, los jóvenes estamos haciendo un blog, loco los escritores de literatura de adeveras…..Manuel búscate?, quién fue ese, Walter Mercado? Tan divertido que era antes con j.a. y las divas del infierno.

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